The Hero’s Journey

In answer to those who ask themselves, ‘How Could I Be So Stupid?’ - it may be interesting to reframe what you have been through as ‘The Hero or Heroine’s Journey’.

Sometimes, coming out of a Narcissistic relationship, a client may ask questions like:

*Why did I let them treat me like that?

*Why did I hold on so long?

*What is wrong with me that I ended up in a relationship like that?

There is something in this response that is a hangover from the relationship itself, where a client has taken more than their fair share of the responsibility. When things have felt off the client has blamed themselves and may have lived a life of ‘If only a tried harder…’, unconsciously colluding with their antagonistic partner that the fault lies with them.

They may have originally fought back against the gaslighting of the narcissistic partners who says, for eg ‘But I told you I was going to…’, ‘But you agreed to me….’, ‘But you were supposed to get…’ And they may have been worn down over time to a place where they doubt themselves.

The client may have experienced isolation – geographical: a move to a more socially remote location; practical: not so much time to be with friends or emotional: the antagonist partner may even subtly suggest, ‘I don’t like the way your best friend treats you.’

Perhaps the client has a growing sense of it always being about the other - the dominant partner – their needs, their issues, their problems and a certain amount of tiptoeing around sets in. Always about them and not the client.

Over time, and this may take decades, the client comes to a tipping point and there is often an ‘Ah, ha’ moment in working with clients who are survivors of a Narcissistic relationship where they realise what is going on.

This can be very satisfying and affirming for the client and, while it doesn’t take the pain away, it is reassurance for them that they aren’t going ‘crazy’. Because the antagonist’s tactics like projection (of their own faults), being dismissive of the client’s abilities, gaslighting, isolating, can be so destructive to a client’s sense of self. The client may have stopped trusting themselves (trusting their gut).

However, because of longstanding patterns in the client, even once they have realised what is happening (and even after they have left) they still may find themselves asking the above questions and wanting to blame themselves.

Answers to the above questions could be

* That something in childhood – in early life – led to these later choices. It may be something obvious like a narcissistic parent, or something a lot more subtle, even a trauma that’s been long forgotten.

* The relationship itself may have begun in a blaze of glory with love-bombing; a sense of the client meeting their soulmate – that this is what they always wanted. And that brought with it a loyalty that kept them in the relationship even when it became toxic.

*Positive qualities — like a caring nature, kindness, intelligence, good social skills, self-deprecating, humour — may have drawn a Narcissist to them. Because a Narcissist wants to take your qualities as their own and fill you with their issues. 

Whatever the reason a client has found themselves in these circumstances, I think the way this journey is framed is important.

I like the way Dr Ramani Duvursula, at the end of her book, ‘It’s Not You’, likens it to a Hero(ine)’s Journey. There is indeed a transformative ordeal in these relationships that ultimately require the client to gain wisdom. Metaphorically speaking, there are both internal and external beasts to be slayed. A client, like the protagonist, may be seen as leaving their ordinary world, facing trials in a special world, and returning transformed.

I like this view of events because clients often view their time spent with a Narcissist – and this may be a lifetime – as wasted. It is understandable to leave such a relationship wounded, untrusting, victimized and feeling like this. But I would argue that this a staging post and isn’t the end of the journey. The transformation which comes from the overcoming of obstacles, dealing with enemies, finding allies, the understanding of self (and the past), working to change sometimes with a mentor or guide, bringing home of the treasure - these are all steps very much in line with the mythical Journey found in stories all over the world. And this is how I like to view the journey of the clients I work with.