The most Aggrieved in the Room: a guide to Covert Narcissists

Mask to represent mask of covert narcissist - appears nice to outside world and is abusive in the home.

Have you even come across a person who doesn’t compete with others about how great their achievements are, but instead competes with others about how much they have suffered?

·        How sick they’ve been

·        How overworked they are

·        How difficult their spouse/partner is

If so, there is a chance you have met a covert Narcissist.*

The clients who approach me with the most confusion, foggy thinking and unworthiness are survivors of relationships with these Covert Narcissists. Either the children of a Covert Narcissist mum or dad, or (ex) partners of Coverts.

Coverts tend to create good optics outside of the home, so people think they are kind, generous, charming etc. These days they also use social media to create a positive impression. Indeed, they may behave nicely most of the time to all but one or two people (their scapegoats) or their abusive outbursts may be occasional.

               Like overt narcissistic personalities, they do vary, but what they often have in common with the overts is that they are

·        Self-focused

·        Economical with the truth

·        Prone to exaggerate

·        Crave attention and validation

·        Angry if their needs are not met

·        Lack of genuine empathy

Indeed, the key first date question to dig out narcissistic personality types will also work with them.

It is: ‘What was your part in the break up of your last relationship?’

They often follow the same relationship arc as Overts: love-bomb, devalue, discard. This can be a process which lasts for years. Covert parents will dominate the family; attempt to control, manipulate and gaslight family members.

When I am approached by the partners of Covert players, the client is feeling drained and unhappy but my struggle to articulate what is wrong. They wonder if they are at fault and feel confused. They may have been told they don’t appreciate their partner enough. They may have been blamed for their partners poor behaviour. The Covert partner may have hijacked their personality, almost becoming them.

Partners of Coverts are often suffering from an absence feeling close to someone, as the Covert is a faker who wears a mask. The partner may sense the need to tiptoe around the covert, so as not to cause a defensive reaction from them. The Covert is often controlling, and this is achieved through passive-aggressive means.

Survivor A’s whole family was controlled by a dad from his sickbed – tiptoeing round and getting him everything he needed. Society framed this as necessary caring, only adding to the confusion of A and making it harder to regard his father’s behaviour as abuse.

Survivor B’s partner had barred the children from eating candy, and had high expectations about them cleaning up, so this led to stress when they heard the partner’s car pulling up. Rushing to hide the candy wrappers and put stuff away, so the house was straight when she walked in, which was when she could be very critical.

Survivor C’s partner made lots of threats about his own health and sometimes threatening to take his own life, making C tear her hair out to find solutions as well as C feeling the need to try harder all the time. It was hard to take a break as his text messages were constant and often lengthy. It never crossed her mind that the behaviour was abusive.

These are dysfunctional and harmful relationships. Clients assume they have been in a relationship with a real person, whereas it’s a façade or persona. They find themselves manipulated and exploited, but if they suggest the Covert is in the wrong, they will find themselves condemned.  

Because of good impression management by the Covert, friends and family may not understand the son/daughter/partner’s struggle. We often worked with gut feelings and body sensations or images, because many partners of this type of character have ruminated this round and round.

The next day (after the abuse) the Covert may act like nothing happened. They may even be nice (intermittent reinforcement) This gives rise to relief – and the rise and fall of adrenalin is what creates the trauma bond.

So these are relationships that can be hard to leave and clients find themselves stuck in, with little support from the outside world. Grey-rocking is a good survival tactic, as your emotional or angry response is a Covert’s fix. Like a bear in the woods looking for food, trying all the bins. When all the food is gone they move on.

*Note: I am not a psychiatrist thus not qualified to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

What I have described in this Blog is a Narcissistic Personality Type.