When the person you love the most is the one who hurts you the most
One of the most confusing things in the world is that someone abusive can be nice to you; that someone can validate and also invalidate you; that the person you love the most can be the most dangerous threat to you. What adds to this confusion is learning that someone is out to hurt you – someone you thought loved you. That if you separate, even if they have a new partner, they want to break you because you are no use to them anymore. Worse still, because you fully know them behind the mask – you now pose a threat.
There may be violent elements to this, which the victim is blamed for – equally it’s possible that all this might operate outside the world of violence – all this cruelty and toxicity can be delivered psychologically.
The unworthy and self-disgusted parts of a person, who perhaps don’t even believe they deserve love – because as a child they didn’t get it and couldn’t blame their parents for it, so blamed themself – may even seek out abusive partners. Ones who blow hot and cold; who may be nice initially and then devalue you; who ultimately are in it for them and not for them and you. This can be an echo from the past.
This does not mean a person is at fault for finding themselves with an abusive partner, any more than the child of an alcoholic is at fault finding themselves the partner of an alcoholic. It is an issue of not seeing the red flags because the person seems familiar. If you were raised by a person who alternated smother with neglect, for instance, this will feel familiar from a partner, even perhaps when the partner temporarily disappears off with someone else.
When you get in to this nightmare scenario, it is really hard to explain to the rest of the world. The partner who is psychologically torturing you seems so nice to lots of other people (who they tell they are just trying to protect you, understand you, communicate better with you) while you are scapegoated as the baddie.
They have good impression management
They like to control the narrative
They may use social media to create good optics
They are quick to smear you to other people
They aren’t interested in how they are impacting your physical, mental, financial health
They want to WIN.
The effect of someone who alternates being nice to you, even if this was now in the past, with being nasty, is the effect of a slot machine on a gambler. Occasionally the machine pays out and there’s an incredible high. When the abuser decides to hoover you back in, after perhaps months in the wilderness, it can feel irresistible. And to start with you may feel happy again, although each time this happy phase may evaporate more quickly.
If you do manage to get away from the abuser, you know the separation abuse won’t be forever. You were there when they scapegoated others. They will move on. But a year, two, more of psychological abuse is a long time. You know what the people on the other end of your abuser’s life will be hearing – you remember them smearing other people to you. You know the kind of things they say and these play in your mind, making you feel less social – especially among those who mix with your EX.
This time of separation is a good chance to work on yourself: to improve your self regulation, so you are not seeking regulation from partners but finding it in yourself. This can be assisted by experiencing co-regulation with a therapist.
To become less people pleasing (more self pleasing)
To put yourself first
To have needs
To heal past wounds
To change enough not to be drawn to the same kind of character again.