Living with someone who is trying to hurt you (emotional abuse)

Flower growing in cracks in the pavement; metaphor for surviving in difficult circumstances.

To some lucky people this very concept will seem absurd. Why would you live with someone who is trying to hurt you?

The irony, for those who have experienced this, is that they started out with that person because they seemed like someone who adored them. They may well have had some neglect or abuse in their early life and this person may have seemed a route to healing this. And when this person came along and swept them off their feet, it may have felt like – at last, the love I’ve been waiting for.

The deep bonding caused by love-bombing can be underestimated. In the early relationship phase, a Narcissistic character can make their partner feel like they are their soulmate. A lot of what say will resonate. They are very good at morphing states, so their interests match yours. A lot of loyalty is built in this early phase and that is why the relationship doesn’t stop when the cracks start to show.

In the early stages of getting hurt, you may will dismiss your concerns:

·        They probably feel terrible about what they did

·        They are so defensive because they feel ashamed

·        If they only knew how much they hurt me, they wouldn’t do it again

·        They aren’t aware of their tone of voice

·        Perhaps I am over sensitive like they said.

·        They said I provoked them – I need to be careful not to do that again

One key mistake that is easy to make, is believing that they think like we do. That they want the relationship to work. That they want love and connection, when in fact they want to win. Their brains are wired differently to ours.

While you are willing to make sacrifices for the relationship, they will sacrifice the relationship to get their needs met.

They are highly competitive, but may well deny this. They want to win. They are not big on empathy or interested in the impact of their behaviour on you.

And all the while, their interest in good optics means that at least some of the people in your circle think they’re great: they’re sweet, they’re funny, they’re not that bad, etc.

What you can do is begin to see your situation for what it is – allow the scales to fall from your eyes. But this is hard. By this point in the relationship you are probably highly invested. You may be married, have kids, own a house together. You may have been sold a story of happy ever after that you are attached to. You may dislike the idea of separation and divorce. Perhaps you can manage this, you tell yourself.

The trouble is continuing to live with someone who tries to hurt you wears you down.

*Their attempts to isolate you

*Their attempts to gaslight you

*Their disinterest in your suffering

*Their fakery and deceit

*Their inability to provide any real intimacy

*Their tendency to project their poor treatment on to you — a disorienting experience

So while. if you leave, you will need a lot of support and great strength, the same is true but doubly so if you decide to/or have to stay.

The sad part is that if you think of the good parts of a healthy relationship – kindness, warmth, loyalty, compassion – this is what’s missing in the other person, even though you may have these qualities in spades. Instead, you are on the receiving end of a situation you can’t win: criticism, over-reaction to the smallest mistake, someone who is hard on you, excessive control, erosion of your sense of self – or your reality.

The best tactic if you are living with someone who is trying to hurt you, is to be kind to yourself. And if this doesn’t come naturally – to work on it as much as you can. To notice what you don’t allow yourself to do, to eat, to buy for yourself. To reflect on your dreams and desires – the places you’d like to travel; the activities that light you up.

The Narcissist in your life will continually attempt to suck your attention back to them. That is what they need from you. But they can’t stop you building a kind and gentle inner dialogue with yourself; building an interest in yourself; boosting your own self-worth.

And if you can thrive in this environment – like the plant growing through the cracks of the pavement – you can thrive anywhere.

This blog is about emotional abuse. The numbers below support people both who experience physical and emotional abuse.

 National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247 (run by Refuge)
The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327 (run by Respect)
National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428 (run by Galop)

**Client Confidentiality is paramount. Examples of Narcissist Survivors are never based on clients. Examples are created using a conglomerate of experiences of working in this area. This is done to protect the privacy of all clients.

*Note: I am not a psychiatrist thus not qualified to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What I have described in this Blog is a Narcissistic Personality Type.