What is Grey Stoning? (Aka Grey Rocking)

Grey stone a term which refers to a non-emotional reaction, sometimes used as a response to rage baiting.

What is grey stoning?

Sofia* noticed how jumpy she was when her husband got home. He always picked fault with something in the house – the floor wasn’t clean, the dishes weren’t done, the dinner wasn’t ready. He occasionally became physical, even with their three-year-old, roughly pulling his pudgy little arm. When her husband started on her little boy Jenna had secretly contacted domestic abuse services. The woman on the phone had told Sofia about grey-stoning her husband with the idea that he might ultimately leave her. The woman suggested being non responsive, unemotional and therefore uninteresting. But Sofia was part Italian and this behaviour was anathema to her. Still Sofia was scared for Giovanni, so gave it a try.

Where’s the salt, there’s no flavour in this food? Her husband said this at every meal despite having previously agreed that she cook with less salt so they could give their child Giovanni a portion, to save on buying toddler meals.

               She passed her husband the salt, ‘Here it is.’

               Sit straight Giovanni, he told their child.

               Sofia gently pushed the little boy’s chair nearer the table.

               Giovanni was trying to show his picture to his dad. He was so excited about the puppy he had drawn. ‘Look daddy.’

It’s nothing special, her husband knocked the paper off the table with a flick of his hand.

               Sofia felt her blood boil. She knew he was trying to bait her. Her husband knew that hurting their child would be the one thing that could trip her up. She opened the fridge and leaned into it, letting her mouth form a silent scream. As soon as she could get away, she would call her friend, the one that had the emergency bag of their belongings and tell her what had happened.

               She picked up the puppy picture and taped it to the fridge.

               Her son was picking at his food.

Come and sit down, stop dithering around, her husband said.

               She wished for any distraction; any reason not to have to join them.

               ‘Of course,’ she said, tucking her chair in next to her child.

**Names and details have been changed to protect identities.

Grey stoning is a method used to manage narcissistic approaches, taunts and baiting, where minimal responses are used, keeping communication bland, polite and unemotional.

Replies might include, ‘Okay.’ ‘Fine.’ ‘I see.’

This is done because a narcissist’s ‘Fix’ is your emotional response: rage, distress, hurt, jealousy. By denying them such a response, they are no longer getting their ‘Fix’ from you. Eventually, the idea is they will get bored and move on.

It is important not to tell a narcissist you are grey stoning them, just as it is important not to tell them you think they are a narcissist

Understanding the need to use grey stoning is a leap for most people. If you have a non-Narcissistic brain you will be looking to connect and communicate with others as well as to avoid hurting people. But when you are dealing with a Narcissist, this is a special category of person, with a differently wired brain.

Rather than utilise your energy in defending yourself against their accusations, in reacting and justifying yourself, you need give them as little as possible. Any data you give them is likely to be used against you, so it makes sense not to say much.

Grey-stoning is a good approach in the devalue phase of a relationship

1. Lovebomb

2. Devalue

3. Discard

is commonly the pattern, although this may not be chronological but go back and forth. And it may stretch out over years.

Rebecca Zung points out that if you are a court battle you need to be careful about grey-stoning in court. It could be harmful to your case to seem disengaged while the Narcissist controls the narrative. Zung suggests response that seek data rather than express feelings. She emphasises the need to document everything and have a paper trail to expose the Narcissist’s abusive patterns of behaviour.

Where children are involved, it might be helpful for them if you upgrade your grey stoning to yellow stoning. This is a way of warming up the grey stoning, so it doesn’t seem cold if a child is in the environment. Phrases may include, ‘Thanks for letting me know.’ Or, ‘I appreciate the update.’

The key point is not to get dragged in to a fight. The Narcissist will enjoy a fight as they feed on your emotional reaction. They will up the ante and escalate. You can be left feeling drained and defeated. Dr Les Carter says don’t get into a pigpen with the Narcissist. They want you in the pigpen.

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It might be important, if you feel safe, to not let a Narcissist bully and shame you, so there are some phrases like, ‘I disagree.’ Or ‘That is your opinion,’ that while still not giving much away allow you to separate your view from theirs.

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Grey stoning is an incredibly useful tool. It can encourage a Narcissist to stop engaging with you because they are not getting the response they want. Getting the Narcissist to back off might be exactly what you need.

However, grey stoning is not a good way to live your life. Feelings are necessary.  It is important to find people who listen and are respectful, who care and offer support. If no-one in your life fits that description, then it might be worth contacting a therapist.

*Note: I am not a psychiatrist thus not qualified to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

What I have described in this Blog is a Narcissistic Personality Type.

**Note: In the US, grey stoning is know as grey rocking and yellow stoning as yellow rocking.